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Women Only: Safety on the road - sexual assault
#11
Whew, what a topic! As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and a rape later in life, I do believe our conditioning has a lot to do with our inability to see the "obvious predator". My faith has seen me through and y'all can take that how you want to, but I feel like without it I'd be in a mental institution sucking my thumb. So... that said, what I want to talk about is how that changed the way I raised my daughter. I affectionately call her a "feminazi" but I am so, so glad she has not had to deal with anything like I went through!

My daughter had/has beautiful curly hair. The kind of curls that snap back into place when you pull them. When she was a toddler, people would walk up to us and touch her hair and tell me how beautiful she was. One day in Walmart she looked up at me from the shopping cart seat and said, "Mom, do I *have* to let them touch my hair?" What a shot through the heart! I don't believe anyone has touched her hair without her permission since that day!

Another time, I was home sick from work and she had asked to go to the babysitter's house anyway (it was 2 houses down) and I let her go. Around noon she came into the house and ran to her room without talking to me, which I thought was odd... then the phone rang and it was the babysitter. She said, "Did ___ (my daughter) tell you what she did?" I said no. The babysitter then told me that my daughter had bit a little boy. I told her I would ask about the incident and call her back. So I asked my daughter and this is what she told me. She said a little boy was tying up the other kids with a jumping rope and when he came at her with it she told him no. He didn't stop so she bit him. I told her that was fine and she went back to her room. Then I called the babysitter, told her what my daughter told me, and then told her to tell the parents of the little boy that when my daughter says no, she means no. Case closed.

I was very open with my daughter about sex, her body, what happened to me, and how she's her own person and no one can mess with that. I am so very proud of my little feminazi I could cry!! Will she be the victim of an assault? It is very possible in this hostile world, but she's not afraid to call someone out for their behavior or to tell them she doesn't like what they're doing, etc. I never felt I could do that. She is the defender of peoples of all classes, races, sexual orientations, religious beliefs, etc. If you tell an off color joke in front of her, she'll put you in your place so fast your head will spin! She's in a very healthy relationship and they've been together for over 5 years. She's never hopped from bed to bed, like I did, looking for love in all the wrong places. No, I taught her to love herself first!

This is all just my own experience and I am certainly not saying that anyone should do as I did or say what I said, etc. I am just very happy I decided to break the circle of abuse (my mom was abused too, although I didn't know that until I was an adult) and raise my daughter different from how I was raised.

Taking a deep breath before I hit the Post Button...
'93 Club Wagon (Juanita) & AbuelaLoca (Belinda)

All aboard! Ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaa!

Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay
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#12
Great job you did with the daughter Abuelaloca!!!


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AbuelaLoca (07-26-2017)
#13
When I was sexually assaulted, I was not a vandweller at the time. I was assaulted by a guy that was a friend of my late husband's. I was a young, naive gal at the time; I was 23 and had just found out I was pregnant with my son. Sad My car had broken down and it was late at night so I figured I would just walk back home as it was not that far but this so-called friend of my husband's saw me and offered me a ride home as my late husband was working the overnight shift. That turned out to be a BIG mistake, too. Once in the car, this creep made a pass at me which I rejected and it turned violent. I got the crap beat out of me but I also did some damage to the creep as well. Needless to say, I pressed charges at my late husband's urging and I'm so glad I did, too. I also didn't lose my unborn son for which I am very grateful. 

With all this being said, I realize most men are not evil like that but it took some time and therapy for me to get over what I went through. I'm also lucky that my late husband was compassionate and understanding about it all because the guy said the typical crap; that I came on to him, blah, blah, blah! Of course, no one believed it so the creep got the sentence he deserved. 


VanGrrl57  Smile
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#14
Abuelaloca. Out of curiosity. Of all the women you've known and discussed sexual assault with how many could say that it never happened? I had four sisters. Five out of five were pathetic odds.


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AbuelaLoca (07-26-2017)
#15
Beautifully done AbuelaLoca!

I have a family member who was raped by her dad almost every night for years, she told me about it when we were in high school and it was still going on, we were at a loss who to tell, her mom didn't believe her and without any support from her we figured we were screwed about getting help... we just had her sleep over at my house more often to get away. He had the balls to contact her years later and say he was sorry and he wanted to be "close again". He died recently and I know she breathed a huge sigh of relief.

Like Cammalu, I know very few women who haven't been sexually abused or raped, it's a sickening number and it still happens every day. When a rapist is caught he gets almost no punishment, so it seems we are still as much "less than" as ever. Happy to hear about young women like your daughter AL, maybe they can break the pattern.
“If the words you spoke appeared on your skin, would you still be beautiful?”
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#16
I grew up in "rural" America. Everything about our lives was for appearances, so no one spoke of the dark secrets until much, much later. I did tell my closest friends about the abuse, and they were wonderful friends who commiserated with me, but I wouldn't have let any of them actually tell an authority figure for fear I'd lose my mom and siblings... I told my oldest sisters and they told me to keep my mouth shut and not ruin my mom's life... It was quite the mess!

None of my friends or school peers ever spoke of abuse happening to them, so I definitely felt very alone, even though I never kept my mouth shut... weird looking back at that. Of my friends in high school that are my friends now, none of them have been sexually abused or raped, but all of them have been sexually harassed at various times in their adult lives. I did recently find out that two of my closest friends since high school (brothers) were physically abused by their dad. I knew him to be a mean man, but I didn't know about the extent of the abuse. 

So, I guess most (if not all) of the women I know in my life right now have NOT been sexually abused or assaulted. A lot had what I like to call "Leave It To Beaver" childhoods and simply gasp and change the subject when my past is brought up!! When my abuser was on his death bed, he had my little sister (his bio daughter) call me and ask for forgiveness. I had already forgiven him years before. I believe I'll meet him in heaven one day.

All my experiences in this regard have made me pretty heartless at times! I do still have problems with attachment in relationships. I can leave at the drop of a hat, even my children. It is something I have to work on on a daily basis. I also now know that backed into a corner, I will come out fighting and the other person will likely have a black eye at least. I've actually always been that way, but I didn't give myself credit for it until just a few years ago when I had to fight my husband at the time. The last time I was abused as a teen I fought back and it ended. I so wish I had known that earlier, that he was a bully and if I stood up to him he would have folded... but that's why he chose me.

All of my friends and family come to me for advice. If there was a survey about what they would say about me, it's that I'm wise beyond belief. My kids used to tell me I should have been a psychiatrist so I could charge for my advice and we'd be rich! LOL But in all honesty, if my childhood had been any other way than the way it was, I would not be the wonderful, fabulous, mahvelous human I am today. I wish I had not had to experience the pain I did, but I did and I can't change that, so I, like so many others, just want to change the future!
'93 Club Wagon (Juanita) & AbuelaLoca (Belinda)

All aboard! Ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaa!

Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay
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#17
Cammulu, is it possible that because of being a police officer that you saw so much more than others would normally see that maybe you are more uneasy than others might be? I know I have an adult son with DS and became front and center aware of the abuses that such individuals can be subjected to, because of that, my outlook would be much different when it comes to his safety and others like him, and that has played out as many think I am just over-the-top concerned about something they don't see the way I do. In brief, they think I am sort of crazy to be so concerned. Luckily, I don't care what they think!
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#18
I have seen more than I ever want to. Unimaginable cruelty. So many cases go unreported too.


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#19
(07-26-2017, 05:21 PM)Cammalu Wrote: I have seen more than I ever want to. Unimaginable cruelty.  So many cases go unreported too.  


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Right there with you, sister.  I started out, after the Army, as a Deputy Sheriff, then moved on to Firefighter/Medic, and after that a mental health clinician for mentally ill homeless adults.  I've seen some truly ugly things, and have known some truly damaged people.  

It's all so painful and unnecessary, all we have to do is try to be kind to one another, to show some love and some compassion.  But I guess it's too much to expect, decency, compassion, respect; scoring points and winning, being dominant, getting your way, those are what matters to so many.  It all just makes me sad, and makes me want to be so far off the grid I never have to see it again.
“If the words you spoke appeared on your skin, would you still be beautiful?”
~ Auliq Ice
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#20
I so get it. Maybe I'll do just that. I have solar but water and food would be a problem.

I keep thinking I'll go South and just keep on going.


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