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Relationships with non-nomads
#31
I was married to my second wife for 20 years.  Legally I was in a relationship but in reality I was alone.  Just because there's another person in the house doesn't mean you aren't alone.  I don't have any bad feelings for her but I am much happier alone.  If you can't find happiness within yourself another person probably won't have the "magic".
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#32
There are ways to compromise without losing yourself in the process but there has to be give on both sides. I agree that when there's too much give by one or the other, there's no happiness in that. When your fundamental choices of how you want to live are so far apart, I'm not sure there's compromise enough to bridge those choices. I moved to Maryland because it was best for my sons, not because it was best for me. They are grown now and I have the opportunity and means to leave here. I have family elsewhere that I've spent precious little time with over the years because of distance. My heart belongs out west - not just because of family but because that's where I'm happiest.

I haven't sat down face-to-face with this man to have this discussion. By my choice. He just started a new job and in 2 weeks he's leaving for a week-long conference. In the meantime, he's trying to get up to speed so that he's adequately prepared for the conference. If I demanded to see him now, he'd comply. But I want his attention on the subject at hand, not on the job. So I have decided that I do not want to see him until his conference is over and he is settled into some kind of routine. I know that sounds all kinds of considerate of me but it has another purpose: this is a man who tends to go ghost often. He has periods of depression and when they hit, he disappears. To me, that's unacceptable in a relationship. I can understand not wanting to be together and needing alone time. But completely disappearing, refusing to answer texts, calls and emails, and leaving the person who loves you wondering how far down the rabbit hole you've gone is cruel. I recall one time when I hadn't heard from him in weeks and I was getting desperate. All I wanted was a text saying "I'm okay" or "I'll be okay." So I texted to say that I was worried enough that I was driving his way (he lives about 75 minutes from me) to make sure he was okay. He didn't respond. I drove the 75 minutes to his house. His car was not there. That was good enough for me to feel that he was okay -- if he was able to get up and leave the house, then he was probably okay. It also told me that he could be selfish and uncaring when he was depressed. He allowed me to drive that far at night to make sure he was okay and then made sure he wasn't there so he wouldn't have to be confronted. I was comforted that he was okay but I was also deeply hurt that he would treat me that way. We didn't see each other for a long time after that. Similarly, this past March when I broke my shoulder and had to have surgery, he started out being very supportive. But when I ended up with a couple pulmonary embolisms and was admitted to the hospital and very scared, I asked him to come see me. He never responded. Not for a couple of days. When he finally did, he said that he was sorry that I was injured but that he had his own challenges he had to deal with. Talk about deeply hurt. So I haven't seen him since then. Actually since before then. It's been many months since I've seen him and I have a lot to process. I need a lot of answers and I haven't gotten them yet because I refuse to talk about topics this important in text messages. I want to be understanding of his challenges (depression) but there have been actions completely unacceptable to me and which can't be repeated...ever. If you are married to someone like this and you love them, you fight to help them. Whether it's an addiction, mental illness or physical impairment. I'm trying to treat this as if this is my life partner and you don't just abandon them. You try to understand and help them if they will let you. You make some sacrifices and you compromise. But you don't compromise your entire life and happiness when they make no move to try and work toward living a life with you without being cruel and hurtful. And so I'm saying that during this time when he's preparing for his conference and while he's gone, there's a very good chance he could go ghost on me again. It often happens when he's under stress. And if he does, there will be no face-to-face. He knows where I stand on this. And therefore, the question of having a relationship with a non-nomad could become moot. We will see.
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#33
Here's a harsh thought. I don't remember whether it was a comedian or a character in a movie, but after his girlfriend accused him of being afraid of commitment, he replied, "I'm not afraid of commitment, I just don't want to commit to YOU."

When guys find someone they really want, someone who checks all their positive boxes and none of their negative ones, they can easily jump in head first and never look back. But they aren't going to commit like that to someone who isn't Miss Right. Oh, we'll DATE Miss Sort of Right, or Miss The Best I Can Do At the Moment, but we won't make the big commitment. Because men are more independent, more self-sufficient, more self-fulfilled.

Also, both men and women have a hard time committing to someone who doesn't know what he/she wants to do with their life. What would they be committing to? What are they buying? So until you have a definite plan, until you can say, "Here's the deal, here's who I am, here's what I'm going to do -- with or without you," you're asking him to commit to shifting sand. If he wants to be part of that, wonderful. If he doesn't, then neither of you would be happy if he pretended he did. Your lives would be worse.
Someone wanted me to put this here: http://rollingsteeltent.blogspot.com/
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#34
(10-13-2017, 11:21 AM)MrNoodly Wrote: Here's a harsh thought. I don't remember whether it was a comedian or a character in a movie, but after his girlfriend accused him of being afraid of commitment, he replied, "I'm not afraid of commitment, I just don't want to commit to YOU."

When guys find someone they really want, someone who checks all their positive boxes and none of their negative ones, they can easily jump in head first and never look back. But they aren't going to commit like that to someone who isn't Miss Right. Oh, we'll DATE Miss Sort of Right, or Miss The Best I Can Do At the Moment, but we won't make the big commitment. Because men are more independent, more self-sufficient, more self-fulfilled.

Also, both men and women have a hard time committing to someone who doesn't know what he/she wants to do with their life. What would they be committing to? What are they buying? So until you have a definite plan, until you can say, "Here's the deal, here's who I am, here's what I'm going to do -- with or without you," you're asking him to commit to shifting sand. If he wants to be part of that, wonderful. If he doesn't, then neither of you would be happy if he pretended he did. Your lives would be worse.

You have some valid points.  Here's the deal:  he's bipolar.  The only person he's every committed to in his 53 years was his daughter.  So I don't think it's a matter of not wanting to commit to me, it's a matter of fearing commitment at all -- and he has said as much.  When he tried to make things work with his daughter's mother (they never married, just lived together for a while), he ended up in the hospital.  Lost his house, nearly lost his job and his visitation with his daughter.  Since then it's been a life of patching things together in a way that allows him to live day-to-day without losing his sh!t.  I don't judge any of that, by the say.  We are all dealt some kind of burden and this was his.  He's figured out a way to work but he is utterly convinced that getting into another relationship that includes commitment and future will put him back in the hospital.  I understand that and I realize it's a risk to try and see if he can manage without losing his sh!t.  If he can't, that's okay.  I was always hoping he would be willing to try and he's often said he would try but then falls short.  If you ask him, he will tell you he does not plan for the future.  His life is more shifting sand than mine is.  He very much lives day-to-day.  And the thing is, I can be happy in different scenarios.  Who I am isn't defined by a nomadic life or one lived in a particular part of the country.  I can find happiness in a number of ways.  So I don't consider it shifting sand.  I need to know what he wants and what he is going to do because I am far more flexible than he is.  And then I can be the one to say whether or not I'd be happy with that.  I do know that I would not be happy with a day-to-day existence and no plan for the future.  I get that what you plan can change but I'm the type of person who at least needs a plan and a direction.
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#35
" Never attempt to teach a pig to sing, it wastes your time and annoys the pig"
   - Mark Twain -
Boogie With Canned Heat - On The Road Again

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g7Y3XMmD...521D7DD392

channel-MrDupin77

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#36
IOW as soon as you know in your heart

this person is unable to give you THAT WHICH you really want

unless you don't mind treading water, not moving forward with THAT - a luxury only the young (think they) have

Then move on ASAP, life is way to short to compromise.

If you do stay, then figure out & acknowledge what they do give you, and why it is more attractive to you than THAT. It is likely to be an unhealthy part of you that needs active reflection and work.
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mothercoder (10-14-2017)
#37
Like so many women, I compromised my needs for husband, family, career, etc.

I do not regret the way I spent my youth.....I just agree with Mark Twain...too bad youth is wasted on the young.

At this time in life, giving up your dream is much more likely to be sincerely regretted later.
"I never saw a sight that didn't look better looking back"

Kat, Smidge the cat, and Honey

1988 Honeywell.  E350 chassis   21'
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JustACarSoFar (10-28-2017)
#38
Maybe I watch too much tv, but I feel like Captain Obvious should show up here pretty soon.
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mothercoder (10-28-2017), slow2day (10-15-2017)
#39
Situations like these are always obvious to others but not to those involved. I know what advice I would give a friend in the same situation. Not always so easy when it's your own life/heart.
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#40
Fwiw, his actions speak louder than words. Anybody's.
But not more than enough for your emotional attachment.
Minivanmotoman,  Absolutely Positively.
Crystal Blue Persuasion, music video
https://youtu.be/XDl8ZPm3GrU
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