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Again with the Fear
#1
Hi All.

This is a little of my current story.  For those who end up living in their vehicles overnight or within a short period of time for any reason, you may not relate to this and it could be upsetting.  It is not my intention to offend anyone.  I am well aware that there are far worse struggles than the one I'm going through right now.  Peace to you.

So what happened with me was that I came across some YouTube videos, I don't know when, sometime earlier this year.  How often does it happen that I watch or hear of something that truly makes me say, "That's it!  I'm doing that!  I don't care what it takes.  If I can somehow do that, I'm doing that.  That is for Me."  That happened.

Then a few months later I found myself with a Class B van.  The van was several states away, not necessarily a bad thing.  I experienced difficulty in the sale, and hit the road to my home state to register it.  The beginning was full of repairs, and I learned some new things about terror as my temporary home rolled up into a shop.  I knew there would be repairs but I was not prepared for the emotions and stress and the money, omg.  Once some stuff was better, on the road home again.  Then it really got better.  Lot of work, and I had help at that time, but it was do-able!  I was surprised by that.  But again, I had help.  It was the best trip of my life getting the van home.  It felt as though I asked the universe "Am I really doing this?" and the universe answered, "Duh."

So then it was, ok, I'll go out for 6 months, and if I can do that, I will have a much better feel as to whether or not I can do it.  Watched a lot more videos.  Got stuff I think I might need now because it's harder on the road.  Got my dog to the vet and picked up his records.  The whole time, more repairs, since June, repairs.  Still not done.

I am supposed to be packing and loading the van right now in order to leave.  My feet feel like lead bricks.  I'm SO excited, and I have been so excited, except now, again with the fear.  I have a repair appointment on the road that I have to get to on time, and then I have a cool thing to look forward to almost halfway there, and then I'm running across the country in a race to Havasu.  There's nothing fun about the timing, it's a long way to go and I'm already late.  When I see something like "my pick is sharp and my spirits are high," it just compels me all the more to get moving.  And the thing is, I need that.  I need to go there.  It's not like "well maybe."  I'm late and I no info and no parts, but the universe is already working on that.

So I'm leaving without a working generator and with not enough solar, it's now a guess at 85 watts?  There have been solar struggles.  I'm not plugging in, can't afford to do that, my money is for batteries and wires and panels and food and water and propane and gas.  I'm bringing several things still in boxes that I have no idea how to use or fear of using them.  

So why don't I just stay and take my time?  We're all running out of time.  I have a window.  I have been planning this for awhile and the time has come.  That's all I can say.  It's very clear to me.  But I can't seem to pack today.  And for someone like me, a little neurotic but a pretty nice person, it could take me a week to pack.  I'm down to the wire. I've got a day to pack. Why is this fear tripping me up Again?  It's the worst.  I'm so tired of it.  Does anyone know what I'm talking about?
“The use of traveling is to regulate imagination by reality, and instead of thinking how things may be, to see them as they are.” – Samuel Johnson   
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#2
It is the fear of the unknown. I had it and still do every time I go someplace new. It is shorter lived now that I have been out here for a while but in the beginning I had days that I asked what the hell was I doing. Aside from the fear/anxiety there was also a constant feeling of being overwhelmed and exhausted. Some days all I could do was insist that I did anything, even the simplest thing just to get moving. Sort something little and I would feel better and do some more. The important thing is get moving.

It does get better. Hang in there.
Sparky created, (Sparkles on some Saturday nights)  Max the Wonder puppy approved

2011 Ameri-lite 25 ft bunkhouse with 750w of solar and a 675 Ah bank
2003 Ford Expedition with 435w of tilting solar.
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speedhighway46 (11-12-2017), Txjaybird (11-12-2017), JannaB (10-29-2017), Shift Chick (10-29-2017), Charlotte's Web (10-28-2017), duckwonder (10-28-2017), highdesertranger (10-28-2017), Cammalu (10-28-2017)
#3
IMO the best thing you can do is to push through it. that's what I do when I get that feeling and every time I am glad I did. highdesertranger
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Van Man Dave (11-11-2017), JannaB (10-29-2017), Shift Chick (10-29-2017), jimindenver (10-28-2017), Charlotte's Web (10-28-2017), duckwonder (10-28-2017)
#4
(10-28-2017, 04:55 PM)duckwonder Wrote: "...I'm down to the wire.   I've got a day to pack. Why is this fear tripping me up Again?  Does anyone know what I'm talking about?"

You're ready.  Sometimes being down to the wire makes it easier to get into the ZONE.  You've got a day to pack?  That's all you need.  Breathe deeply.  Relax.  Focus.  You can make it happen!

(And yes, I know exactly what you are talking about.)

Go for it!

[Image: heart.gif]Charlotte
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#5
I'm on it.
“The use of traveling is to regulate imagination by reality, and instead of thinking how things may be, to see them as they are.” – Samuel Johnson   
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Shift Chick (10-29-2017)
#6
I understand- my fear manifests in crankiness. Recently, I had to drive to Long Beach. I was fearful of the drive, and I was cranky, but after I did it, and I was on the way home, I was exuberant!! I overcame that fear, and I did it. Push yourself through this- you will be so happy that you did.
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duckwonder (10-30-2017), highdesertranger (10-29-2017), Shift Chick (10-29-2017)
#7
FEAR.....
FACE
EVERYTHING
AND
RELEASE

We live in a world that constantly tells us we are powerless...DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT?
Spark...
The Shift Chick
All who wander are not lost !

* Gina  - 1994 Ford Cargo
Gypsy - 1988 Ford Tioga
1998 - Plymouth  Grand Caravan..
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duckwonder (10-30-2017)
#8
Oh and BTW...well all got yer back!!!
Spark...
The Shift Chick
All who wander are not lost !

* Gina  - 1994 Ford Cargo
Gypsy - 1988 Ford Tioga
1998 - Plymouth  Grand Caravan..
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The following 1 user says Thank You to Shift Chick for this post:
duckwonder (10-30-2017)
#9
You got this. Drink a beer or two and take one thing to the van. Have another beer and take another box to the van. It doesn't HAVE to all be done in an hour.

Eat lunch, take two more boxes to the van.

Drink another beer, sit on the porch and then take something else to the van.

Once you start you'll find the motivation to keep going...just to get it done because if you pause to think then the fear takes over again.

I feel for you because I've never had to deal with that kind of fear and can't imagine what it is like. My only fear is running out of money so I have anxiety when I want to find a job but it takes me more than a week to find one.
2007 Keystone Springdale
2000 F-250 7.3L
Cody & Kye, border collie extraordinaires

Find us: www.nomadicpawprints.wordpress.com
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duckwonder (10-30-2017)
#10
Dune I like your thinking, " Drink a beer or two and take one thing to the van". highdesertranger
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The following 1 user says Thank You to highdesertranger for this post:
duckwonder (10-30-2017)


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