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Coping with a spouse's mid life crisis
#1
There's an 800 lb. gorilla in the room. Not to be maudlin but I'm looking to sort this out and find a way through it. Any words of wisdom?
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#2
Sorry to hear that.
Margie knows I won't put up with that BS. If she doesn't like the way I run this ship she can make other arrangements.

Period, end of story Wink
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Jay and Margie. 92 Dodge Maxi van. 300 watts Renogy solar, 2X 6volt deep cycle @ 230Ah.

May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. ~Edward Abbey
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#3
Marriage is tough. I am *barely* hanging on myself. The van is my plan in case the sh*t hits the fan (which I think it inevitably will). My only advice is to try to be understanding, kind and tolerant. However, there is a point where you dont want to be somebody else's doormat. As with all things there is a limit.
My youtube channel:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCTgC2to...7jVUaY9mzg
Featuring various aspects of living in a van.
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#4
My statement might be harsh, but I'm way past the point in life where I want crap.
Margie and I have been pretty much 24/7 partners since 05. We get along well and do about everything together, as wellas being comfortable in smaller spaces, like our sailboat or RV.
Sure, we've "had words", but its always settled, even if its by me putting my foot down.
She agreed from the start that my word is final, I'm the captain on this voyage and she's fine with that.
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Jay and Margie. 92 Dodge Maxi van. 300 watts Renogy solar, 2X 6volt deep cycle @ 230Ah.

May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. ~Edward Abbey
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#5
My spouse found a younger woman with little kids for a while. I went to bars then called friends to take me home, this went on for a few months. Then I got a little red sports car that pissed him off enough to make me happy. I had no urge to self medicate because I had the little red car.
He asked me for a divorce for 8 years before I finally agreed. We split things evenly said thanks for the kids and memories and made new lives for ourselves. We still speak and he has a wonderful wife that can make him happy and that makes me happy. I will never stop loving him and wish him only good vibes. Usually.
Bottom line is, if someone asks for a divorce for enough years, might be a sign you should give them what they want.
Advice though is to try for a least a while, just not 8 years.
Dragonfly
2016 blog:   http://chasingflowers.com
Greeting Cards I design:   https://www.etsy.com/shop/ChasingFlowersCards

"I was surprised mermaids were in fresh water too. I really must keep more open of a mind or I may someday lose track of reality. 

Diane
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#6
ATB, because every relationship is different, what you hear from us may not be relative to your situation. I have always believed that if both parties want to be with each other they will find a way. If not, no amount of pleading, screaming or threatening is going to change anything. Even counseling is pointless if both parties don't sincerely want to be together. Relationships are just like a job, they require a daily commitment. What do you do if you really don't like your job? Sometimes an anytime of life crisis can be caused by something medical. I would rule that out first before you take any steps. I have an idea what you are going through and what she is going through. It can seem as if the world is crashing around you both. Please remember she is most likely in real pain and probably isn't sure what is going on herself. Be patient and talk if at all possible. Be honest, truthful and sincere. Everyone here wants only happiness for both of you, whatever that takes. I hope you both find contentment. Please take care. Michael
East of the moon  West of the sun
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#7
Owl, That is good advise and yes I for one want want both to be happy.
Jan and I laugh at something I told her at the beginning of our relationship. After she told me what to do, I told her "I don't have to do a damn thing" and that might have stunned her at first. But, when she realized I won't tell her what she is going to do, she understood. I'm considerate and not bossy. I am willing to discuss anything and I'm not always right. We get along quite well.
If we are considerate one of the other, we can sometimes avoid misunderstandings before they happen. I
admit I misunderstand as well as others.
Alt, I hope you both and agree to discuss and try to understand the other.
God bless you both.
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#8
I can only tell what I did for Cathy. Our marriage was 38 years and we also would argue but I always told her that I could never have more anger towards her than I had love. For the last few years, I gave up my needs/wants totally for whatever she needed. I had to always be at home with her or close by to get home quick if she needed/wanted me. I just couldn't say no. She was the mother of my children, my hearts desire, and my best, closest friend. True, over 5 years of increasingly more needy care was a lot, but she had so much less in her life than I could/can have that I couldn't fault her for wanting me near all the time. Now, she is gone and I can do anything I want to so I think those few years devotion were well worth the years we had together and she was always my greatest supporter and comrade.
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The following 1 user says Thank You to DTFuqua for this post:
AnnaP (12-05-2017)
#9
(11-30-2013, 04:23 PM)owl Wrote: ATB, because every relationship is different, what you hear from us may not be relative to your situation. I have always believed that if both parties want to be with each other they will find a way. If not, no amount of pleading, screaming or threatening is going to change anything. Even counseling is pointless if both parties don't sincerely want to be together. Relationships are just like a job, they require a daily commitment. What do you do if you really don't like your job? Sometimes an anytime of life crisis can be caused by something medical. I would rule that out first before you take any steps. I have an idea what you are going through and what she is going through. It can seem as if the world is crashing around you both. Please remember she is most likely in real pain and probably isn't sure what is going on herself. Be patient and talk if at all possible. Be honest, truthful and sincere. Everyone here wants only happiness for both of you, whatever that takes. I hope you both find contentment. Please take care. Michael

This is an excellent post, Owl.
My youtube channel:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCTgC2to...7jVUaY9mzg
Featuring various aspects of living in a van.
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#10
(12-02-2013, 03:14 PM)Unity Gain Wrote:
(11-30-2013, 04:23 PM)owl Wrote: ATB, because every relationship is different, what you hear from us may not be relative to your situation. I have always believed that if both parties want to be with each other they will find a way. If not, no amount of pleading, screaming or threatening is going to change anything. Even counseling is pointless if both parties don't sincerely want to be together. Relationships are just like a job, they require a daily commitment. What do you do if you really don't like your job? Sometimes an anytime of life crisis can be caused by something medical. I would rule that out first before you take any steps. I have an idea what you are going through and what she is going through. It can seem as if the world is crashing around you both. Please remember she is most likely in real pain and probably isn't sure what is going on herself. Be patient and talk if at all possible. Be honest, truthful and sincere. Everyone here wants only happiness for both of you, whatever that takes. I hope you both find contentment. Please take care. Michael

This is an excellent post, Owl.

Yes it is, owls are known for wisdom.

And I appreciate all the replies.

(sorry if this thread is a bit of a downer, posted in a weak moment)

Unity Gain, as you mentioned in your first post, the van I'm currently working on has a definite 'plan B' as a back story.
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