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Coping with a spouse's mid life crisis
#11
Quote:(sorry if this thread is a bit of a downer, posted in a weak moment)
ATB.... Friends are for the down times as well as the good! And yes, Owl is a wise old thing isn't he. Well said Owl!
My blog ... http://gypsyjalopy.blogspot.com/
"One's destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things.“ - Henry Miller
“Instead of wondering when your next vacation is, maybe you ought to set up a life you don’t need to escape from.” -Seth Godin
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#12
ATB,

Absolutely rule out physiological sources, including meds, herbs, diet, lack of exercise, sleep deprivation, hormones.

I would question then if it's a mid-life crisis OR a crisis in the relationship. These are two different issues. We all tend to think it's the other person's fault when perhaps they're responding to something in ourselves.

Ask. Flat out. No beating around the bush. Like this, "Can you tell me what you think is the problem and what ideas do you have to fix this?" Note there is no blame in that question ("what's wrong with you" won't open a dialogue). Then shut up and listen. I suggest this conversation start early in the day, when the sun is shining, fatigue hasn't set in, and hold hands, look at each other. Make eye contact! And think about what you hear. Don't just jump on it with an answer right away. Men and women communicate differently. It took a few years for me to understand that most of our heated discussions were simply misunderstandings. We actually agreed on whatever but were stating it in a way the other didn't clearly understand. And when/if things get heated, call a time out! And ask "Why?" You may be surprised at the answer.

Once, I recorded the conversation (not secretly!), and when we listened to it together later, we both heard our own words differently. That was an eye opener!

Good luck and best wishes.
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#13
Star, excellent advice! ATB, I think we're all learning things here.
East of the moon  West of the sun
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#14
Now that I think about it...it's been a while...recording the conversation...

I was shocked at how I had sounded! I was calm, collected, and so was he. But I sounded angry, accusatory, defensive, all that stuff. It wasn't what I said but how I said it. And when I listened to what he said on the recording, I was also surprised at how I had interpreted what he had said. You can bet conversations after that changed. I listened more closely, was more aware of the tone of my voice, and if there was any doubt in my mind about what he was saying, I would do the "Here's what I hear you saying" thing.

I highly recommend doing this. NOT on the sneak!! Ask your partner if (s)he minds if you record the conversation so you can learn from it. Wait a day or three and listen to it alone, then together. Seriously, you may be surprised.

Best wishes.
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#15
(12-02-2013, 06:44 PM)Stargazer Wrote: Seriously, you may be surprised.

I sure was!!

The first time I heard myself speak, just recently, I was more than surprised. It wasn't even a discussion. It was a talk I gave at The Moth. When I got the recording I sounded almost aggresive. Now I know what I need to work on.

Lifey
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#16
Ughhhhhh.....I HATE the sound of my own voice!! (on answering machines and whatnot.)

but I think recording the conversation is a wonderful idea.

My wife and I are planning a 'heavy' pow-wow this weekend, and I think I will record it (YES...with her knowledge.) Smile

we've got alotta stuff to get through, and some of it is gonna be tough...so this'll help us not to keep going over the same thing, again, and again, and again!
"Good Times & Good Friends Make Life Better!" Big Grin
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#17
Marriage is indeed tough. My husband is 10 years older than me and has no desire to travel, much less in a small trailer. He wants to sit home and watch tv, eat, feed the chickens, etc. I'm young enough to still want adventures and experiences. When I retire in a couple of years (I'm 58), I plan to hit the road by myself if he isn't willing to pull himself away from his exciting life. I figure what goes on on the farm when I'm not there isn't my business, as well as when I'm on the road, isn't his business.

Not going to sit home and become a fossil!
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#18
(12-03-2013, 09:40 AM)mschrief Wrote: Marriage is indeed tough. My husband is 10 years older than me and has no desire to travel, much less in a small trailer. He wants to sit home and watch tv, eat, feed the chickens, etc. I'm young enough to still want adventures and experiences. When I retire in a couple of years (I'm 58), I plan to hit the road by myself if he isn't willing to pull himself away from his exciting life. I figure what goes on on the farm when I'm not there isn't my business, as well as when I'm on the road, isn't his business.

Not going to sit home and become a fossil!

Welcome Mschrief. Look up a member butterfly and tell her dragonfly sent you. You have a bit in common.
2016 blog:   http://chasingflowers.com
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"I was surprised mermaids were in fresh water too. I really must keep more open of a mind or I may someday lose track of reality. 

Diane
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#19
Coping with my own mid life crises (plural) is already hard enough! I'm not sure if I could cope with that for someone else. By the way, the way I'm coping with my own current midlife crisis is by dating a younger girl. That always makes me feel younger and happier, haha! She is 16 years younger. I don't know if this is a long term solution, and I sure can't recommend this for everyone, but at least it's a pleasant distraction for now. Big GrinTongue
Trying to live a simpler life one day at a time...
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#20
(12-03-2013, 10:50 AM)caseyc Wrote: Coping with my own mid life crises (plural) is already hard enough! I'm not sure if I could cope with that for someone else. By the way, the way I'm coping with my own current midlife crisis is by dating a younger girl. That always makes me feel younger and happier, haha! She is 16 years younger. I don't know if this is a long term solution, and I sure can't recommend this for everyone, but at least it's a pleasant distraction for now. Big GrinTongue

You randy old goat you! I used to date only older men. Now they are all dead.
I mean because I outlived them, get your head out of the gutter.Big Grin
2016 blog:   http://chasingflowers.com
Greeting Cards I design:   https://www.etsy.com/shop/ChasingFlowersCards

"I was surprised mermaids were in fresh water too. I really must keep more open of a mind or I may someday lose track of reality. 

Diane
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tx2sturgis (12-07-2017)


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